Martha’s Minions, edited and produced by Elizabeth Parker


 Martha’s Minions

Local ‘zine founded by Maria Danielson, Barely Managing Editor is Elizabeth Parker.  Contributions and letters may be accepted at PO Box 384, West Tisbury MA  02575, or write marthasminions@yahoo.com.  Back and current issues found at Island Entertainment in Vineyard Haven.  Regular columns include Bunch of Wrath, What Really Happened, Newes from Next Weeke a.k.a. Tomorrow’s Tremors, and Classified Ads(Unreal Estate and Impersonals).


Back issues available:

Summer 2001  Get in Shape for Summer

Fall 2001  Slouching Toward the Solstice

Dawn of 2002  Seasonal Affection Disorder

Spring 2002  Get in Touch with your Inner Spring

Summer 2002  Sex and Homelessness

Fall 2002  The Worst of the Vineyard

Winter 2003  Addictions and Phobias

Almost Summer 2003 Crime Issue


Summer 2001  Get in Shape for Summer! Issue  


“We have returned because we saw a need.  Glossy Vineyard Crapola Lifestyle magazines have proliferated out of control.  Every week a different one stuffs our mailbox.  Our souls are made weary by the breathless praise of yet another flawlessly appointed estate with its glowing wide-plank heart pine floors and rustic plastered walls, its intimate rooms chock-a-block with folksy Vineyard-crafted curios and collectibles.  Outside in the garden, hollyhocks tower to the sky.  Somebody had to do something!  Where were Martha’s other voices?”  - E.P.



My Big Night in Jail, a true story by Maria Danielson

twenty ridiculous things minions have been paid to do

Mrs. Sisyphus


Improvidence, Greed, and the Evils of Generosity


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Fall 2001  Slouching Toward the Solstice Issue


“Are you all broken down after the summer’s dreadful siege of work?  Are your joints crumbling to arthritic gravel one by one, your lungs withering from fumes or clogged with bad fibers?  Is your recycling bin overflowing with Maalox and Motrin empties?...  Don’t despair.  Or don’t despair for long.  We’re all in this together, all in the same leaky boat that will somehow reach the other shore, awash to the gunwales though she be.”  - E.P.



The Off-Season Interview

Further Adventures of the Narrator

the green-eyed monster of martha’s vineyard

twenty ridiculous things minions have been paid to do (or not to do)





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Dawn of 2002  Seasonal Affection Disorder Issue


“Feedback…has been finding its way into our rustic office.  Consider this e-mailed fan letter, ‘A scandal is exposed!  Poison in the system!  Only the journalistic integrity and keen investigative skills of the staff of the scrappy but intrepid little rag MARTHA’S MINIONS stand between our great Nation and another national tragedy…’… So kick back with this new issue and enjoy your seasonal unemployment.  At last you can find a parking place in front of your favorite lunch spot, even more affordable now that it’s closed.” – E.P.



More Jobs Than I Can Name  True Stories of Work

The Crush that Crashed

Winchester East

Selected ridiculous things minions have been paid to do (or not to do)

The Cruelties of Class Distinction: It’s like a three-layer cake, friends!!!




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Spring 2002  Get in Touch with your Inner Spring Issue


“The siren call of the work season lures us again, chirring in our inner ears like the song of the pinkletink…  Yeah, it’s hard to vacuum a whole winter’s worth of dead pill bugs out of the slider tracks when you’re weak from malnutrition.  But you can do it.  Just load up on the non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs and organic herbal stimulants.  Wade fearlessly into the fray.”  - E.P.



A Swing of the Ax  Or, How I was Fired and Laughed to Tell the Tale

Whines in Vain

Chase the Check

The Mouse That Poured and other revolting tales from the restaurant business

Grand Theft Auto





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Summer 2002  Sex and Homelessness


“But really, don’t sweat it about the beach.  Nobody has time, really, except the people who have time, and do you really want to be around them?  It’ll only bring you down.  All you can hope for is to find a moment after the summer sun goes down to raise a glass with your minion homies.  Drink to a warm September.”  - E.P.



Nowhere to Lay my Weary Head

Use V.A.P. and Be a Quitter

What’s Really Going on at Five Corners

My Worst Job







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Fall 2002  The Worst of the Vineyard


“I miss the summer people.  Some of them make such good material.  By the end of winter, I look at old Minions issues and I think to myself, we’ve exaggerated.  But then they return and I heave a sigh of relief.  No.  It’s all true.”  - E.P.



The Worst of the Vineyard

Perry Cottage

The Annals of Hypochondria

Possible Dooms Auction







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Winter 2003  Addictions and Phobias


“We minions worry about the future.  We envision ourselves still hard at our labors decades from now, unable to retire, and wonder how we will hold up.  Already our joints are succumbing to arthritis, tendonitis, and carpal tunnel troubles…  Our wealthy employers keep us on because they are fond of us, and because they too fear change.  There’s that, at least.”  - E.P.



Addictions and Phobias

Cranberry Bogs

From the Sketchbooks of Rosemary Hoeft

Post Xmas Blues






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Almost Summer 2003  Crime Issue


“ As a worker in a home I’m on my own, with only my humor and cussedness for armor.  So this time I’m being picky.  I will take on nobody ruled by neurosis.  Nobody who leaves demanding ungrammatical notes.  Nobody who whines about the bill.  Nobody who does nothing all day.  Nobody who wants me to rake the beach.  Nobody nasty, ever.”  - E.P.



My Life in Crime

Ethnic Tribes of M.V.






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